Courageous conversations & men: how to get them started and why they matter

You’re worried - your instincts tell you that not all is well.

• But what if you’re wrong and the bloke you’re worried about is actually fine?
• Maybe when his partner was screaming obscenities at him out in the garden (you couldn’t miss it - you live just next door) it wasn’t as bad as it sounded?
• Maybe they were both having a bad day (it was roastingly hot to be fair) so leave it alone for now.

“Yes - that makes sense. Leave it for now - the next time I see or hear something like that, then I’ll say something!”

Most of us have been there: we’ve reasoned why it’s sensible not to get involved because its none of our business and it’s probably fine. Or maybe, we decided to say something, but in waiting for the right moment to start the conversation, the moment never came and now it’s completely passed. Never mind, there’s always next time … isn’t there?

It’s not easy - reaching out to someone you’re worried about.

What if you make matters worse by saying something unhelpful? The last thing you want is to upset that person and where would you start? But here’s something I’ve learned in my 52 years of life so far - conversations changes lives - conversations save lives!

… just like the conversation which took place all those years ago in the South of France. A one-off intervention which changed the course of my life.

Image by Imme - Unsplash

My elderly neighbour witnessed me being attacked by my now ex-wife. The abuse had gone on for years, but like so many people caught in abuse, I’d become conditioned to see it as my fault, that if I wasn’t so stupid and inadequate, my wife wouldn’t keep getting provoked by me. But on that day, my neighbour got a glimpse of it and she could easily have justified to herself why she shouldn’t get involved, but the next day she sought me out and I’ll never forget her words (the words that changed my life)

• “Andrew – I’m terribly worried about you. You do realise, this is Domestic abuse.”

I was hugely embarrassed that she’d seen it and I shrugged it off, but she continued:

• “Well, do reach out to me. I’m always here for you. If ever you need help, my door is always open. Do reach out.”

That was it. No long lecture. It was very brief but no one had ever spelt it out like that before and I’d never considered that what I was experiencing might be domestic abuse. These seemed like alien and odd words to hear.

After her briefest of interventions though, I started to see things I’d never seen before in my relationship. I started to question whether truly everything was my fault. That conversation marked the gradual beginning of the end. It’s not that I stopped trying to make things work in my marriage. I didn’t pack up and leave the next day - we had kids after all, it’s just that I started to question things after my neighbour said what she did.

After 9 years of being blind to what was happening, slowly but surely, my eyes were opening and there was no way back. It was 18 months later when I finally decided it was over and I was done with it, but that conversation started something, and my neighbour will never know it started with her.

Maybe you have someone in your life who you’re worried about?

DO NOT PUT IT OFF - THE PERFECT MOMENT FOR A COURAGEOUS CONVERSATION DOES NOT EXIST - AS A RULE - THE SOONER THE BETTER!

Initiating conversations can feel awkward and the voices in your head will be swirling around making you uneasy, but if you don’t know where or how to start, you could use my neighbour’s intervention as a template for initiating the conversation. Breaking it down, her words fall into 3 simple parts.

1)       I care:

Start with words which communicate that you genuinely care for that person.

“I’m worried about you”.

“You’re an important person in our team and I really value you”.

“You’re my mate – we’ve known each other for years. I really appreciate you – and I’m worried about you.”

2)       Direct Dialogue:

Avoid dancing around the issue with endless small talk which makes the conversation drift. Say it as it is (compassionately so) but as it is.

• If you’re worried that someone might be spending beyond their means, do not avoid the ‘debt’ word.
• If you’re worried that someone might be contemplating suicide, do not avoid the ‘suicide’ word.
• If you’re worried about domestic abuse – do not avoid the ‘domestic abuse’ words.

Say the words clearly. It may be that the other person has been conditioned to ignore what is obvious to you. There is no avoiding direct dialogue if you want to make progress.

3)       I’m here:

It can take time for people to process painful things they’ve not consciously thought about. They may feel embarrassed by your intervention. It might be the very first time it’s been brought to their attention. Do not expect quick results or immediate thanks. It’s more likely that progress will be slow, so clarify that beyond the conversation, you’re there for that person moving forward, and don’t be surprised if they seem defensive about their situation.

Putting it all together:

1) I care

2) Direct Dialogue

3) I’m here

Put this 3-step template into your own words, but in keeping with the above template, and simply as an example, your intervention/conversation could sound like this:

“We’ve known each other for years and I really appreciate you. You’re an important member of this team and it’s because I value you, that I’m worried about you.

There have been a few things you’ve mentioned about your finances which make me wonder whether debt is becoming an issue for you, and if it is, you’re definitely not alone and there’s definitely a way forward. Do you think that debt might be becoming a challenge for you at the moment? (pause)

If I’m wrong, I’m always here for you anyway, but know this. If debt is an issue, it’s really common but most of the time, when we get stuck in these situations, we do need help to move forward, so please do reach out – never feel like I look too stressed or busy for you to come to me.”

AND TO CONCLUDE - Manage your expectations - you can’t rescue people and you’re not a superhero (although you may want to be):

We’re seed-planters or links in a chain NOT superheroes

We’re seed planters or links in a chain NOT superheroes!

We all want to feel we made an impact so it’s frustrating when we put the time aside to reach out to someone, the conversation appears to have been helpful, but then nothing happens.

• What went wrong?

To make matters worse, six months later, they’re still in the same predicament but then speak to someone else and now they’re inspired to take action!

• What did the other person offer that you didn’t?

When we initiative meaningful conversations, we’re not superheroes and we can’t rescue people. We’re seed planters on our hands and knees in the dirt and we may never see the plant grow, even though we planted the seed.

We’re also links in a chain. A person facing a certain problem may require 4-5 links in the chain before they do something and your intervention was simply the first. It’s not so great for our ego but we have to manage our expectations when we reach out to people, because change takes time.

If you want to bring the topic of men’s wellbeing to life, either as part of an away day, or as part of a wellbeing week initiative, or as part of men’s health week (June) or International Men’s Day (November) then get in touch and let’s talk.

I’m a CPD accredited and TEDx speaker, podcaster and author, delivering entertaining, inspirational and relatable keynote talks, grounded in lived experience and global research.

Connect with me at: https://www.andrewpain.co.uk/

And/ Or let’s connect on Linkedin and DM me to book an exploratory conversation

COMING SOON on Aug 6th - ‘Honestly, Man’ - with all profits raised being invested in charities supporting Men and Boys