Sir Gareth Southgate is spot-on: some of the difference between girls and boys behaviour is down to nature not nurture

“The way boys are taught in schools should be changed to take account of their ‘fundamental differences’ to girls” (Sir Gareth Southgate - BBC - 05/06/2026)

I am SO happy to read this. It’s a point many of us have been making in the men and boys space and it’s a point I make in the chapter on Fatherhood, in my forthcoming book, ‘Honestly, Man’ which is being released on August 6th.

I have five children, three boys under 13 and two grown-up daughters. The differences in their behaviour growing up, never fails to astound me:

• My daughters never asked for weapons on their wish-list to Santa. But my sons? Only last year, my now 10-year-old asked Santa for a sword and meat cleaver to use in his Lord of the Rings battle re-enactments. If we don’t give them toy weapons (which we generally don’t) they make them anyway, out of anything they can find. I’m often without a belt because it got used as a catapult in the last game! My daughters had no interest in weapons as kids.
• My daughters used to fight and bicker (without weapons), but there was always a logical reason which triggered the fall-out, even if the reason was trivial. My boys? They fight all day long. They fight when they’re bored, happy, engaged. There’s usually no reason at all for the fight and trying to untangle why it kicked off is futile. It generally starts off as ‘crazy fun’ but still ‘good natured’ … and it ALWAYS ends in tears!
• If my daughters didn’t get out of the house on a Saturday morning, they’d happily do some craft stuff and no problem until the afternoon. They’re outdoors people, but going outside could easily wait if it had to. My boys? If they’re not out of the house by 10:00 am, the place would resemble a zoo where all the animals escaped their enclosures. Some animals would be eaten and/or mauled, the whole space would be a warzone, and I (as the zoo keeper) would be running around like a headless chicken, stuck in a long term panic attack.

I could go on with example after example and there are those who believe that it’s due to how boys and girls are hard-wired, and those who believe it’s due to the patriarchy, my parenting style/biases, society hints and clues which we don’t even notice, media, education.

I’m a firm believer that both nature AND nurture have a role in how our boys and girls develop, and of course, when we talk about tendencies, and we argue that boys may be more likely to need this, and girls may be more likely to need that, we should never forget that there will always be exceptions to the tendency we’re describing.

In terms of hard wiring differences, just as a starter:

1. We know that the brains of infant boys develop differently and at a slower pace to girls, so shouldn’t be surprised that a greater number of infant boys struggle with reading, writing, sitting still and paying attention in class, than girls.

2. We know that when boys receive their mega-testosterone boost in their teens, that their levels of testosterone are 25-30 times higher than equivalent age girls, so of course there is a knock-on effect on their behaviour. To think there wouldn’t be is frankly naive.

And as I mention in my forthcoming book, if we want to create a more cohesive society, and generate better outcomes for men and boys (which will positively impact women and girls too) understanding that some of the differences may be due to hard wiring, has serious implications for education and for how we parent.

In my teens, in school, I just remember feeling bored, needing to be outside doing sport, or on my feet doing drama, and knowing that the hour maths lesson I just had, was a total waste of time, because I learned literally nothing from it.

Within education, we absolutely need to think about how we do more outdoors education, shorter lessons, more breaks, more hands-on, experimental learning, and how we increase the hours of physical education, so it’s daily, not just a few hours each week. I think this is important for young people, but with what we now know about girls and boys, it’s especially important for boys. (To make it happen, we would need to truly empower teachers and understand that shifts in how we teach won’t create necessarily create instant measurable results - and of course, there is the separate challenge of encouraging more men into teaching roles)

And as for parenting, whilst we should parent from the same principles, we can adjust our expectations, understanding that girls and boys won’t necessarily act in the same way. There are personality differences and gender differences. Once we know this, rather than tearing our hair out that our daughter can sit at the table for a meal, but our son can’t sit still for more than 30 seconds, we can understand that biology may have a part to play. It’s not his fault. He’s not a bad kid.

It’s great to see these conversations happening in the media, on the BBC, with a hopefully more balanced and considered approach to the topics, rather than hysteria-creating, sensationalist programmes like Adolescence and The Manosphere. I massively appreciate that a figure with the profile of Gareth Southgate is taking this topic forward - I always saw him as a patient and thoughtful leader!

If you want to bring the topic of men’s wellbeing to life, either as part of an away day, or as part of a wellbeing week initiative, or as part of men’s health week (June) or International Men’s Day (November) then get in touch and let’s talk.

I’m a CPD accredited and TEDx speaker, podcaster and author, delivering entertaining, inspirational and relatable keynote talks, grounded in lived experience and global research.

Connect with me at: https://www.andrewpain.co.uk/

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